Signage

Been Rode:
Ain’t –>
<– Done

Poppy:
Seed –>
<– Cock

For:
Given –>
<– Bidden

Away:
This –>
<– That

Do:
Nothings –>
<– Gooders

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

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“Hoss”

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Written in the 70s — the gamey

the gamey (dreamy) variety

surrendered

The sphincters and para-sphincters [***]; no good asking why he had not stuck it; he hadn’t and that was… kept on being… that.

What it was was sexual weakness, he snorted. You just couldn’t hang in there, could you, when the bed-life wound down.

Not to spoil the morning. It was a pristine day: zippity doo-da. The seven-o’clock sun streaked the liveoaks orange.

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

70s-14a redacted posted
Written in the 70s, 70s-14a redacted. (Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)
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Social Math — UK

This is a vulgar problem, but posed for the common good.

Sir Alistair Chichester’s butler Wadsworth filches petty change from his master’s shooting jacket upon a return from the foxes.

It has been established herein-prior that Gerry Rattigan, the proprietor of the Thane of Thoth, nicks just shy of a quarter of the hundred-quid-note covering Sir Alistair’s daily (save Sundays) consumption as an ill-deserved gratuity for his (Gerry’s) simpering service.

Question: If Wadsworth’s take is something half of Gerry’s take, what does said butler spirit from his master’s pocket in half a fortnight? Round to the next pence.

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

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The Carper

“Less than one in three Americans support U.S. pullout from Iran deal” (Reuters headline).

FEWER than one in three…” would be better.

“Less” qualifies something you don’t normally count: “less sewage.”

“Few” qualifies something you CAN count: “fewer turds.”

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

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“Woman With Rifle”

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“Woman With Revolver”

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Didactic Doggerel

The Drunken Forest

Oh my! I think that I shall never see
A sight as silly as a tipsy tree.

The only sight that’s funnier so far?
A forest that looks like it closed the bar.

If you think that’s a gas, consider this:
The trees have not indulged in drunken bliss.

A sinkhole caused by melting permafrost,
A thermokarst, makes them look turned and tossed.

Dead munchies for the wooly mammoth clan,
Iced down for longer than the reign of man,

Are thawing out just like a frozen veggie,
And making scientists a little edgy.

In places like Alaska and Siberia
They may not be collapsing in hysteria

(Yes, that would be a slight exaggeration),
But still there is a lot of consternation.

They say it’s getting warmer by the year
On planet Earth, and what we have to fear

Is that the trend is irreversible,
That northern lands may turn combustible

And spew out methane and carbon dioxide,
Making life still toastier outside.

The Anaktuvuk River tundra fire
Could be the start of something very dire.

The burning of the lichens and the mosses
May start a process of ongoing losses.

It’s carbon, everyone! There’s too much of it.
It melts the polar ice, but we still love it.

If carbon makes our planet lose its cool,
I’ll feel like such a selfish fossil fool.

References
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/17/science/earth/warming-arctic-permafrost-fuels-climate-change-
worries.html
http://thinkprogress.org/romm/2011/12/19/392242/carbon-time-bomb-in-arctic-new-york-times-print-
edition-gets-the-story-right/

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

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Listening to…

Kizzy Crawford and Gwilym Simcock, “Birdsong” (album). The songs are in English and Welsh.

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

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It’s Free

[Product Description for St. Claire’s Organic Candy Licorice Pastilles on Amazon}

“A folding display box containing six tins of licorice tablets. Contains no artificial coloring, flavoring, or animal by-products. It is Wheat-free, Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Casein-free, Nut-free, Soy-free, Egg-free, Fish/Shellfish-free, Corn-free. Also 100% vegetarian and Feingold Accepted.”

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)

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