My local newspaper has a regular feature entitled “Food Service Inspections for Week Ending <date>.” I scan it devotedly. Food purveyors from all around are assigned demerits, from zero to one hundred.

My newspaper clarifies, helpfully, that “Zero” is the best score.

Infractions are listed in hypnotic detail: “Date-label sausage with seven-day use-by date”; “Keep soap and paper towels at hand sink”; “Employee drinks need lids and straws”; “Wear hairnet or ball cap in kitchen”; “Lift all paper goods off ground”; “Label sugar container”; “Dispose of any used sticky traps”; “Mop sink not being utilized”; “Store raw meats under cooked foods”….

I’ve noticed one admonition that crops up insistently for a stubbornly high number of eateries: “Need bodily fluid clean-up kit.”

I’ve reached a juncture where I need to know what a bodily fluid clean-up kit is, and why so many food places need one. And why, after all this time, do they still not know this? And while we’re at it, what bodily fluids, specifically, are we talking about? My interest has evolved from casual to acute.

On another front, I’m humbled and gratified to learn in today’s report that a nearby town has an establishment called “Bebotyboo, LLC dba Andy’s Quick Stop.”

I pride myself on crafting whimsical names. In my wildest flights of fancy I could not improve on “Bebotyboo.” You’ll be glad to know that the place got only six demerits: “Document times on food out at room temperature and sausage in warmer. Wash hands when entering kitchen and before applying gloves.”

Hats off to Bebotyboo, and Andy, too!

(Copyright 2018 James Mansfield Nichols. All rights reserved.)